See what it says up the top there about "in the end you're only screwing yourself"? I should have realised I was being prophetic when I found that quote. I didn't really believe it.
My marriage is collapsing around my ears. I have never seen my husband more furious with me. He feels like I have been treating him like shit. He has said he wants nothing more to do with me.
He's probably right. In fact, I'm sure of it.
"I do love you. I'm sorry I haven't shown it lately."
"Lately? I've been putting up with this from you for ten years. You wouldn't know love if you fell over it."
Every now and then he smiles and makes a joke to me. There's a slim hope left and I'm clinging to it with everything I've got. But it's not going to be easy... or enjoyable.
This is my last chance. Change or life will change around me. And not for the better.
The funny thing is... I thought I was doing ok... that everything was fine. I couldn't understand why he was so upset. Then I started to think, and to notice all the little ways I was cutting into him, making demands and giving nothing in return. So it must be true - screwing yourself does make you go blind.
The rollercoaster's going to need an awful lot of faith to pull it up this hill. I'm scared. I don't think I can. I don't think I can. I don't think I can. But staying in a marriage that's going... no, gone sour and trying to make it sweet again takes more courage than giving up and running away. I have had many many chances to run and I insisted that this was what I wanted and that I was going to make it work no matter what. I know it takes two. I have been the absent one, here in body but not spirit.
No, I don't want to talk about it any further. That won't help.
God help me to change. God help us.
"You've made your bed, now you have to lie in it." That's what my mother told me after our wedding.
I have work to do.
At least when we stop yelling at each other, we're still talking.