We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
[Marianne Williamson]

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Not a challenge

or perhaps the greatest challenge of all.

See what it says up the top there about "in the end you're only screwing yourself"? I should have realised I was being prophetic when I found that quote. I didn't really believe it.

My marriage is collapsing around my ears. I have never seen my husband more furious with me. He feels like I have been treating him like shit. He has said he wants nothing more to do with me.

"I do love you. I'm sorry I haven't shown it lately."

"Lately? I've been putting up with this from you for ten years. You wouldn't know love if you fell over it."

He's probably right. In fact, I'm sure of it.

Every now and then he smiles and makes a joke to me. There's a slim hope left and I'm clinging to it with everything I've got. But it's not going to be easy... or enjoyable.

This is my last chance. Change or life will change around me. And not for the better.

The funny thing is... I thought I was doing ok... that everything was fine. I couldn't understand why he was so upset. Then I started to think, and to notice all the little ways I was cutting into him, making demands and giving nothing in return. So it must be true - screwing yourself does make you go blind.

The rollercoaster's going to need an awful lot of faith to pull it up this hill. I'm scared. I don't think I can. I don't think I can. I don't think I can. But staying in a marriage that's going... no, gone sour and trying to make it sweet again takes more courage than giving up and running away. I have had many many chances to run and I insisted that this was what I wanted and that I was going to make it work no matter what. I know it takes two. I have been the absent one, here in body but not spirit.

No, I don't want to talk about it any further. That won't help.

God help me to change. God help us.

"You've made your bed, now you have to lie in it." That's what my mother told me after our wedding.

I have work to do.

At least when we stop yelling at each other, we're still talking.


Steff said...

Hang in there - it is never easy - especially when you have a baby and are in each others company 24/7 and add to that in your mothers in laws company - surrounded by the viscious internet calling at you.
Try not to take all the blame though - it takes two to tango

christine said...

I had to read this 3 times before I could believe my eyes... I'm so sorry you're going through this! But like Steff said, you've got so many distracting factors right now (she forgot to list school and thesis) that maybe this issue is a product of everything else causing stress.

asuka said...

I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
You do have the strength and courage to make it better, to make it work... *hugs*
Like ze above noters said, there's just so much going on in your life right now.

Villy said...

Mark and I are not married, but we may as well be. And we've been in that situation before.

I, too, was the absent one. I wasn't working, I wasn't contributing. I had all these plans for my life *going to school, getting my license* but I wasn't doing a thing to accomplish those goals.

He was disappointed and felt used. As you well know, this led to other issues, things he did.

Listen to your sister, sweetheart. It is NEVER just your fault. I am not going to say your completely innocent, because its not just his fault either. But you are not the sole contributor to any marital issues.

I know you love him. And I have faith that you can get through this. It'll take a lot of hard work, but you ARE courageous. And we will be here for you every step of the way.